We Need to Sync About That Meeting You Just Requested
Hey Leslie, I saw that you sent a calendar request for a “meeting.” This is the first time you’ve worked for a fast-paced, data-driven startup that creates bleeding edge products and provides global solutions. So I’m going to let it slide. Let’s set up a sync to touch base, and I’ll go over it with you again more slowly.
I think the team is wondering why you requested a meeting when we’ve all already met. It’s pretty simple, really. First we meet, then we sync, then we fuse, then we self-cannibalize sometime before the end of Q3.
Look, I know you were born in the early 80s, and this must be a really sad and scary time for you, what with all your friends starting to die. I’m really sorry for your loss, but I need you to keep your head in the game. This isn’t the first time you’ve been disruptive, and not in the good way. The custodial ninjas mentioned they’ve seen you in the office as early as 8:30 a.m., which is, frankly, really creepy. The product design wizards complained that you’ve never once dropped a “Rick and Morty” GIF in their Slack channel. And when you turn in your copy, you often don’t include an emoji, so I don’t know if the content is *woman with tipping hand* or *woman dancing in red dress*. The photo on your desk is of a child and NOT you and your friends at the end of an escape room. Is it true you asked one of the UX necromancers what Fortnite is?
We really value culture here, so I want to help you conform to fit the model of diversity approved by the stakeholders. Your joke about feeling “SaaSy” is not funny. And you went to pick up your daughter instead of joining us in the meditation space to have bubble tea. You can’t spell team without “tea.” You can see your daughter every day, but these pop-ups only happen once a week. I’m just worried you don’t have that growth hacker mentality. In fact, sometimes I don’t even know what you’re hacking.
We’re all really rooting for you! You bring a certain je ne sais quoi to the team. You’re just like a bridge to the past — wise, stately, and experiencing an age-related degradation of structural integrity. You bring us stories of a time when you called the internet on the phone, and you know where Winona Ryder came from. We don’t want to lose you, but we’re running a lean and agile shop here. I imagine it’s hard to stay agile when you’re in the throes of osteoporosis.
Let’s definitely get this sync on the calendar soon before menopause sets you back even further. I’ll reserve one of the action movie hero-themed conference rooms for next Wednesday. It looks like Snake Plissken is available at 1 p.m. or Jason Bourne is available at 3.
In the meantime, I’ll leave you with this advice. Fail fast, fail often, but maybe make fewer mistakes? If the machines are learning, so can you! Let’s think about ways to improve your bandwidth to impact ratio. In fact, I’ve taken the liberty of assigning you the third base position on the Sloshball team. I know you said you didn’t have time, but I think it’s really important for your visibility. All you have is a husband and a single two-year-old child. Sasha teaches a Repotting Succulents 101 class at the community garden center and still manages to make practice. We meet three times a week from 6–9 p.m. Leave a little early, because parking is a bitch.
Things are looking up! I think we have a solid plan to get your head out of the clouds (that’s where data goes!!) We’ll touch base soon!