Boyfriends are supposed to fill your time with selfies, functioning appliances, and generally positive feelings. Sometimes boyfriends can get quiet and brood. That’s natural and shouldn’t be taken as a sign of trouble. If your boyfriend’s been out of sorts for a few hours, however, you may rightfully start to worry that he’s dead. Here are the top five signs that your boyfriend’s not just moody — he’s dead.
5. You keep thinking, “He’s being such a good listener.”
Your boyfriend is not a good listener. If you catch yourself internally remarking on how “heard” you feel, your boyfriend is probably dead.
4. All of his friends also appear dead
When you peek into the “man cave”, there doesn’t appear to be any activity at the card table or the video game controller. Boyfriends can sometimes be quiet for a moment or two, but he and his friends aren’t likely to share a long moment of quiet bonding. If they‘ve been “reflective” for more than a few minutes, your boyfriend may be dead.
3. Doesn’t show interest in porn
Try waving pizza and beer in front of your boyfriend’s face while playing his favorite pornography on his computer (if you don’t know your boyfriend’s favorite porn, try hentai). If this doesn’t elicit a response from your boyfriend — I’m sorry, your boyfriend may be dead.
2. Rotting and covered in flies
Some boyfriends have a fanciful sense of humor, an unusual enthusiasm for halloween, or a charming fetish for the macabre. However, if your boyfriend has been continuously covered in swarming flies for more then a few days — it’s possible he’s dead.
1. Seems interested in babies
Some boyfriends are natural nurturers. However, if your boyfriend has been attentively watching your child for over a minute or two: I’m sorry. Your boyfriend is dead.